粉紅色的日記

Will go Mexico cruise tomorrow. Still hard to believe this is happening. Just change a large luggage and throw some more stuffs into it. Guess if I use a smaller luggage then I won't bring these extra stuffs.

Still decided to bring a new diary book with me. Maybe there are something I can write during the trip. Accidental found an old pink diary, which I stop using since Sep, last year. Found a small note on the last page I left to be answered , it said:

I don't know when you write diary on this page .
Will Fish still like her new identity ?
How old is she ?
Still a workhalic ?
Does she meet someone she love ?

Actually I am pretty surprise to see these notes. I left maybe 4, 5 years ago. But again, it's a good time to review my life.

Yes, Fish still pretty comfortable and love her new identity.
She is now 41 years old, and still spent a lot of time at work.
As for lover... :-) I can only say ........... (filtered out in this blog) , but .... I don't think she will take any serious action. If she can not bring happiness to someone she love. Then why bother ? !

找尋精采的靈魂

Finally I understand what the soul mate means !

Was driving down the road for lunch with SY couple in Sweet Tomato. One strange thinking pop up in my head and I now can answer the blog question I asked last month.

It really doesn't matter is he or she, people at my age are actually looking for soul mate. He/She doesn't necessary have intimate relationship with you. I am way beyond that. It's the freedom and appreciation in your heart. Even you might not be aware of it. With your soul mate, you can just BE YOURSELF ! No to worry about the thing you did will disappointment him/her.

Have a DIY hair dye today, GL went to Target with me and choose the color then came to help. I am really worry about screw it up. But with her help I feel more comfortable. The result ..... Well as she said, with dark hair like us , we won't screw up too much. Maybe the color (chestnut) I choose is too close to dark brown, so far I didn't see any result. Maybe after a few washes the color will show up.

Still have a few hours today, going to start enter my old diary.

漫長的旅程

I feel so tired and even think about this planet....

Really don't know to how to start this blog. This is going to be a totally nonsense blog. I can find a thousand reasons to stop this stupid thinking. But I just need to figure out why I have this kind of feeling again.

Work stress ?? No, even is not easy but still I can handle it well. The only thing I complained for work it not much fun, at least I can not make everyday to have a exciting and creative thing to do. But why should I complain ? Compared with many other peoples, I am super super lucky to have a group of angels in my team.

Loneliness ? hmm, maybe but I rather to say boring. So .. This is it right ? Lack of excitement. I always think you are a super stupid fish, do a lot things to satisfy your skyhigh ego but only learn very little thing from it. (Hey, hold on, can you try to be a little nice to me ? Don't forget you are also part of me, right ?) OK, I am sorry , I forgot the compassion again, Isn't the compassion which support to stay and live so long ? Why am I so easy got frustrated and have such negative feelings ? Despite of what ever vows you ever did, where is the compassion and passion of love ? I didn't see the fire for a long long time. Dear Fish, please let it out, you can do it. I really sure you can make it .

With great love,

Fish

幸福的感覺

原來幸福只在一念之間

Just back from SY's birthday party. I was late due the a customer from Japan have an urgent issue to resolved have to work on weekends. After work and have dinner with a team member it's already 9:40pm. Kind of debating whether I should go or not. When X called around 8:30pm , I told her I probably won't go. But it's S's birthday, I really shouldn't miss. Anyway, make a call to S and told her I'll come.

It's kind of surprise that there are some many people come to SY's house, Beside the people I used to meet in the book club, J from "one village" brought a group of friends play the drums.

Even I was late, still a lot of foods left, several friends asked me to try the deserts, cakes they bought. Even just have a big dinner 20 minutes ago, still , I eat most of them. CY has reserved a bowl of 'Spain Seafood Rice' for me. This is the dish I 'ordered' from SY's husband D. He is a very good cook, I feel a little guilty that don't have stomach to eat that.

Sudently I feel I am so blessing, looked at everybody's smiles, and be able to have a group of friends come together. Really, what else would I expects from life ? Wish everybody can keep the precious moment of their life in the memory and keep reminding him/herself how lucky they are.

When back to home, I still feel so lucky to have so many different of friends. Every friend has his unique characters. You have to admire their unique in order to enjoy that.

卡拉OK的信心

Haven't sing karaoke for a long long time. Used to like it, but after transition, I never have confident to sing in public or actually not even in the shower. Voice is always my weakness in passing, well maybe not face to face, but on the phone.
Having a dinner at C's house tonight, after dinner, she invite everybody to sing karaoke. Maybe I assume at least 7/8 of people at dinner knew my story, this time I finally break the fear and sang three songs. :-) It's kind of relief that you don't have to worry about people will read you from the song you sing.

Am I put too much burden on myself ? Maybe people don't ever care at all. Why I have to worry so much ? Even people suspect, just let them suspect, they will never get any proof, right ?

I am going to reclaim this freedom !

A happy singing fish :-)

魚兒的世界

Have a chat with Q on MSN last night. I shown him a portion of my blog. The first question he asked is : Am I ready to open my blog to public ? :-) I really don't know what to reply, why he is so excited about seeing my blog ? :-) Because my T background ?
Told him that I will need more time to input the Chinese diary on it and the it will take a while.

Kind of feeling tired today, simply just want to back home and relax early. Can I do that ? Sure I knew I can do it and no one will complained. Well the only person will not feel comfortable is You - Fish ! :-) ( I really should be nicer to her, am I ?)

OK, let's decide to leave early and see what will happened ?

Dear Fish,
Here are some reasons that I have to leave early today :
1) I am not in a mood of working this afternoon.
2) All my friends I called didn't get thru, I believe they are having fun.
3) I really deserved a good sleep due to last night I work until 2:00am
4) If I leave early, it might inspire our team members to work more smarter.
5) All the top managers are in SF today for seminar.
6) I need some energy to prepare coming crisis tonight.

Is half dozen of reasons good enough ? ....
So, from the conclusion above, I should leave now !

Love,
Sleeping Fish

理則頓悟，乘悟併銷；事非頓除，因次第盡

Now I understand why the same mistakes been happened and happened again, even I clearly knew it's not a right thing to do . When the test comes, still, I easily follow the habit or gut feeling.

真的，總算了解南老師會強調金剛經的"善護念"了。

Just got called from X while writing this, she is having trouble with herself. Seeing the 'ugly' side of self is always not a pleasant experience. While seeing this ，how can we 'be friend' with it, Just watching it coming out and disappear without too much criticizing.

如果眾生本自具足，為什麼我仍不停地向外馳求 ?

三十年來尋劍客，幾回落葉又抽枝。自從一見桃花後，直至而今更不疑。

I am pretty sure I am still far far far far way from the stage of no doubt.

是不是在我準備好了的時候，考試就會來了 ?

後記：這是我在Skype上一段提醒自己的話：

從細微的地方用心，努力地跳脫慣性，而能持之以恆就是修行。

在過於理性地審視自己時，別忘了最原始而溫柔的初心 。