孤單的恐懼

終於願意承認其實自己是害怕孤單的。即使老早已經看到了自己花了大部分時間在工作上，回到住所，在換上家居服之前，好像第一個下意識動作就是打開電腦，告訴世界：嘿，我在這裡！ 在屋裡上下樓仍不忘帶著手機，就只擔心漏接了朋友不經意打來的電話。
床頭放的不再是一本本佛學書籍，取而代之的是二部筆記型電腦。 我真的那麼害怕寂寞嗎?在光芒褪盡後，我是不是還能安靜地享受全世界的遺忘?不必再用理智的手術刀，一縷縷地劃開分析，聰明如我，心裡自始至終其實是清清楚楚的。
想起了那天一位朋友談到她妹妹的事，在那個包裝過度的都會叢林，所有的生命的目的只在於賺得更多的錢，擁有更高的地位來彰顯自我時，有多少個害怕孤獨的心，願意卸下濃濃的妝，沒有防備地走出去，安慰另一個漂泊的心靈 ? 那些不足為外人道的感情世界，已經超越男女性別的桎梏。相互珍惜的心疼，卻成了外人難以捉摸而不得其門而入的堡壘。且隨他們去吧！ 或者她們所想要的就只是不被打擾的生活。而無需再應付家人頻頻關心的探問。這些，都是只有身在其中的人才會暸解的！

始作俑者

剛剛在看網路電視的時候，看到在生吃猴腦的鏡頭。好殘忍哦！看了心情一直很不好。也在那個時刻了解到，為什麼孔夫子會對始作俑者做那麼嚴厲的譴責了。在今日百家爭鳴的網路世界，雖說每個人都有權利提出自己獨特的看法或意見。但是一點點小的而不負責任的言論，都會在虛擬世界產生千百萬倍放大的作用。而這些後遺症都是無法控制。 想到這裡，我又開始憂心忡忡，教育的功能就發生在我們呼吸之間，我們能不盡力作一個良好的示範嗎?

牛仔裙的功用

從來沒有想過一件牛仔裙居然可以幫我突破一個框框。

事情是這樣子的： CY那天拿了一件牛仔裙來，說是她妹妹給她的，但是尺寸大了一點，在她送去修改之前，要我看看能不能穿。由於我的蘿蔔腿實在太難看了，從來就不曾穿膝蓋以上的裙子，但是這件深色有壓印花紋的裙子真的蠻好看的，試了一下，就決定下個星期上班時要穿到公司去。果然不錯，幾乎每個看到的人都說好看，而我也不再介意自己的腿長得好不好看，穿上之後好像心情好些，人也變得年輕一點。
有趣的是，我發覺對於那些原本看都不看的一些比較流行的衣服，好像也比較能夠接受了。以前衣櫃裡的衣服，在顏色和剪裁上都是很簡單而保守的。基本上我好像只買幾種顏色的衣服-黑色，棕色，白色和棗紅。（難怪X說我衣櫃裡有一半的衣服是可以丟掉的） 而且妳大概不會把我的穿著，和流行的時尚雜誌裡的模特兒聯想在一起。因為我們根本是不同世界的人類。 可是妳知道嗎? 昨天我居然在SAKS-Off 5th店裡買了四件衣服。印象中對這家店裡的東西，我總是有很遙遠的感覺，反正覺得那是屬於模特兒那種時尚人類才會去的店。（BTW,Ｘ算是她們中的一員） 要是除非是化妝舞會，我大概穿上那店裡衣服的機率是接近於零。 可是不曉得為什麼，突然開竅了（或是那根筋不對）覺得自己好像也沒有什麼理由不可以去穿那種衣服。 一下子，不但我會去SHOPPING的名單上又多了一家店，而且心好像也蠢蠢欲動而開始活躍起來。原來世界是真的充滿無限可能的，只要我們不關上門或窗戶，總有一天妳會看到另一個美麗的驚奇。
想到這裡，我真的要感謝CY的這條牛仔裙，讓我跨過另一個障礙。

請問 你找的是 她 或者是 他 ?

Just finished a conference call at home while have my MSN chat with another T-friend in Australia asking some laws in US. Then CN called to follow up some conversation we have in the office this afternoon. It's regarding definition of happiness and what I am going to do with my life. Hmm.... Really HUGE question. We discussed from my plan for the surgery, to marriage , achievement at work, whether happiness should built on most people's happiness or not and ..... My future partner. Things are getting more and more interesting.

Here is our conversation :

Am I feel lonely sometime ?

yes and no. Isn't that's why I need a job ?

Do I plan to have a boy or a girl friend ?
I am not sure. Can I have both ? (just kidding)

Should she introduce a boy or a girl friend to me ?
For guys , I haven't found one I want to date with. For woman, hmm... I don't think I am qualified for that. Or I should said , it too troublesome to deal with all kind of family , relationship issues again. I surely don't want hurt anybody again.

Ok, ok, I knew I should be nicer to myself, but I already spoil Fish too much :-)
Isn't there a song said :

其實一個人的生活也不算太壞，
有時有一些小小的悲哀，
我想別人也看不出來。
即使孤單會使我傷懷，
也會試著讓自己想得開。

Do you think will two incomplete souls make a complete soul ? or two sadder souls ?
I am not saying I lost confidence about people but really don't want become other people's burden. (who say my egos are become smaller ??)

Fear ！ yes, I smell fear again. (You are getting better and better in checking this, Fish )
But will love really overcome this ?? I knew love is something I have shortage but refuse to accept. :-(

Don't you think I am a typical female Pisces ?

可以炫耀的孤獨 ?

Just have a strange thought.

Does loneliness is another symbol or something that we used to differentiate us from others ?
I knew most of time I actually enjoy the loneliness. ( Hey, do you mixed up with freedom ?)
There are a lot of people doesn't have luxuary to tell others they are lonely. When you struggle for a day to day life, running around for preparing meals, kids, schools and works, are they allowed to say - I am so lonely ?

There is always a corner in our heart that is reserved for some special one to explore, but this special someone may never come or you met him / her in the daily life but don't have guts to let him / her know. ------------ hmmm. 我又離題了。

Anyway, just want to put a seed here, maybe we can explore this topic later when you have time.

沒有頭銜的我，會是什麼樣的人?

What will you be, after remove these titles ?

Just having a lunch with a friend, we are talking about self awareness , egos, and confidence.
She keep saying she doesn't have much confidence, due to lack of working experience or achievement. To me, she is a wonderful person, intelligent, has sense of humor , trustful and share a lot of thought and feeling.

One the way back to work, have another conversation with myself again, what will I be, if I don't own the title of manager ? Didn't have pretty history on resume, or high pay job ? Will people still treat as before and think I am their friend ? Let's said we are in a war, and everybody runs for their life. What will the 'native' you be ? Just a human - I said. Then what' makes you different from others ? What kind of personality will earn people's trust and respect ?

If you use this, to re-investigate the people around you, when the wealth, social status, nationality or even marriage relationship are gone, who will really earn your respect ? How much confidence you have you will still be treated as a 'good' friends from the people you know ?

I knew - she will still the same person to me. As to other people ? I only have 70% confidence.

再一次討厭自己

又是另一年的結束，九天的假期也接近尾聲。看看過去一年來在工作上還很順利，但在生活上仍一片空白。最近常常在想未來要何去何從?我這一生難道就這樣過了嗎?
到 了四十仍一事無成，每天操心的是客戶的projects. 那麼三五年後，我是不是還是一樣的生活方式? 人生的目的究竟是什麼? 我一直在重覆前人老大徒傷悲的覆轍。 難道那一切我們所知道的道理，就沒有一樣可以令我幡然大悟的嗎? 我一再驗証前人的警語，真的害怕距離自我越來越遠了。
這一次南亞的海嘯，我又再痛恨自己的冷漠！ 的確是令人震驚的慘劇，但是在震驚之後呢 ? 我的行動在那裡?為什麼那些捐款要在三天之後才捐出? 這三天來，我的良知，以及對人類的愛在那裡 ?我真的很害怕，害怕自己失去了PASSION。害怕自己失去了愛人的能力，真的好討厭如此的我。

這是我寄給 CN and GL 的 email :

It's new year eve - again :-(Just renewed my driver license two days ago. it's hard to believe 4 years has passed since I first got a new license with new gender on it.
Not sure why I feel so sad, or maybe I knew but just don't have courage to admit. Maybe a simple question will help to remove my mask. No, it's not the gender mask I wear for such a long time, but a human mask I am referring to.
It's the Tsunami which happened 4 days ago unmask me.. Really hate myself when I start understanding I took NO action on it.
Or maybe I did, but donation came after three days of disaster, after reading a friend's email who donated some of her money planned for a SRS surgery. Suddenly, I felt so bad, so lost.
Do I lost the compassion ? Where is my ability to love , to share the grief of losing their beloved ? why am I become so cold and emotionless.
I don't even dare to face it. Felt so bad when I unmask and saw a person who only care about herself. :-(

A reply from CN :

Dear fish,
you definitely are not the person who only cares about herself. i don't say this to please you, it's the truth. i did not donate my money to this disaster, and i don't think i lost my compassion to people. donating money to a disaster is just one way to show humanity. but it takes a lot more Tobe passionate persistently.

we just can't do everything and be everyone, right?
you have been through a life change yourself in the past 4 years. i see aper son who is trying so hard to do right things and to be nice, and hope that can ease some of her own guilt to be herself. the society also owe you something. you just accept it and be kind to people. that's your compassionate heart. and you are a caring human being.
I spent a lot of my time to talk to my new young client in this past few days. hopefully that with my help, she can change her struggling life before it's too late. this is my compassion to people, which is the same as donating money to a disaster. for me, disaster is catching so many eyes and get help from everywhere. but some people live in the hell without knowing,and they also need a lot help.

Fish, don't bit up yourself, that's not fare. i would rather see you pick up the energy and help me to expanding Foundation, which can help more people who don't know how to get the help. i can say this, because i know clearly, I don't ask favors for myself. once I promised a lady called from Dallas: we will go there and have work shop. it's been years, and the words do not come true yet. when I looked at my 24 year-old client, who is so suffered from all cultural burden, I just hope that I can have all the money and power and fame to educate people how to change their lives.

It is new year's day morning now. I hope that this note can cheer you up. we all good human beings, and we do our dues in different ways. if you don't think about yourself first, how can you help others? Hay, get up happily, and think some ideas how to make Alearning expanding. :)

Love,

C

Another reply from G :

Fish,
Yes,another year!
Well, my parents and sister are busy for this disaster many days. Mom did ask me to join her to do street found raising. I didn't go. I just don't feel comfortable to do that. A bit guilty, but I didn't go. I am willing to help something else, something I may handle better, but not go out there to collect donation. There are so many things that we can do, only if we feel comfortable to do it.
You felt bad only because you feel other people can do more than you? You didn't unmake yourself but put on other mask on yourself. None of us can do enough to help those victims. You didn't donate your surgery money won't hurt who you really are. The kindness in your heart won't be less because you didn't go to the area to help victims. There is a very long way to go for all victims. Be yourself, be happy what you have, there are a lot we may do from now to then.
Happy New Year!
Love,

G

赤子之心

我如何能在十里紅塵仍能保持一顆赤子之心 ?

原來人就不曾老去的，所添加的只是一層又一層的面具。今天得到經理的面具，明天在派對上，我或許需要戴上淑女的面具。而人們是如此習慣而熟悉面具的生活，完全地忘記那個 inner child 也需要出來透透空氣。
我小心翼翼地每天穿戴上面具，只是真的仍舊懷念和另一個沒有戴上面具的朋友心靈的交流。
我小心翼翼地脫下面具，，害怕脆弱的心，沒有防禦的靈魂，受到傷害，或者就失神打破了。

原 來 我 就 不 曾 長 大

原來我一直在找一名和我一樣年紀的小孩，可以一起流浪，天南地北的互相聊起那個沒有彩色面具的日子。

我是不是真的孤單太久了 ? 親愛的小孩，今夜你在那裡 ?