菩薩的示現

今晚在家裡，特別為LW和讀書會的朋友辦了一場聚會，有好幾位新的朋友參加。今晚的主題是relationship。 一開始，因為大家都不熟，很多時候聽到的都是表面話，沒有人願意真正將心裡那個不願人觸及的地帶打開。 十點多，走了一批人，CY提議關上燈，點起了蠟燭，氣氛一下變得不一樣了。慢慢地有人願意把她內心的話說出來。我一下收起了玩世不恭的態度，真的很用心試著去了解，另一個生命的展現。的確，每個人都有框框，但是在我們自以為是的下判斷前，是不是能去同理她們的無奈? 何其有幸，我們有一個風平浪靜的人生，何其有幸，我們有機會用別人生命的鏡子，看到自己的特別恩寵? 在幾個小時的對話中，我一再在內心向諸位善知識合十，也慢慢體會到為什麼善財童子五十三參中，會有各道那麼不同的眾生。 原來他們都是為了成就我們，為了一個在久遠前就已做好的善意的承諾，而在娑婆世界作各種的示現。
感謝我的父母，LW，X，和Y，以及在我周遭的朋友，由於你們而使我這次在地球的旅程，有了更豐富的意義。

妹妹的回信

早上收到妹妹的回信，心情一整天都好，真的很高興她終於願意開一扇窗去認識 Fish. 其實魚兒真的不是洪水猛獸，只是知道魚兒過去的人，一直活在以前有他的世界，在人們的記憶中，年輕無憂純真的日子總是美好的。 我決定花一些時間幫助她來認識這個新朋友。

妹妹的回信
Dear Fish,
看了你的信之後,我真的相信以前的大哥已經不會再變回來了.雖然你的世界我無法真正了解,但我相信你一定有你非常不得已的苦衷.上次寫信給你,我並無任何責備的想法,只是很想念我記憶中的好哥哥,我好想喚回他.

我不知道如何和眼前的妳聊天說話,因為我真的不習慣你的樣子.而且有時後看到你就覺得心好痛.
的確,為什麼老天爺要這樣對你讓你受這種苦!! 　　

大哥,在我的心裡你永遠都是我的好哥哥,是一個既善良又好脾氣的哥哥,我會永遠愛你. 至於現在的你,只要你過的開心快樂有自信就好,我都會祝福你!!!

永遠會愛你的妹妹
ps:拜託我真的不希望有個姊姊,所以Fish永遠是我的好朋友好嗎?
sorry,上次你回國我的確是態度不好,但我不知道如何告訴你我到底怎麼了 ！

我的回信：

Dear SL,
真的，真的很高興收到妳的回信，我想這是第一次自己的家人願意走出以前的 記憶，試著用平常心來看待 Fish, 謝謝妳！

其實妳的大哥并沒有消失，那些年輕時美好的印象不是一直活在妳的心中，不是嗎? 只要妳憶及他，那個善良的兄長，不是又會出現在腦海裡嗎? 其實如果妳不試著用性別的標籤和尺度去衡量，妳會發現Jill其實也是個可愛的人，我不打算花太多文字告訴妳，畢竟，那都不如妳親自去認識她，妳說呢?

過去五年來，我一直很認真地用Fish的身份去活，在頭二年的日子，Fish 斷絕了所有以前的關係，面對親情的壓力，那是一場打不嬴的戰爭，不僅僅是她揹負著十字架，在看到自己親人也陷入有苦難言的窘境，每次中夜醒來，那種愧愧疚的椎心之痛，實在折磨了她好一段日子。而在工作上，由於是待在同一家公司做身份的變換，雖然同事們都很小心，不去觸及她的過去，但是杯弓蛇影的日子，也陪了她一段時間。

二三年來，她一直試著懲罰自己，用工作麻醉自己，想要從宗教裡，找出前因後果，上輩子她究竟造了什麼孽，今世要受如此的苦? 直到一年多前，她終於懂了，原來諸佛菩薩和整個宇宙是如此善待而眷寵她，讓她能在一世娑婆世界經歷二種性別的人生。 而跨過性別的界限，站在天平的另一端時，她才知道以前的他錯得多麼離譜！

於是Fish出現在讀書會，在公益性團體，她開始有了另一群新的朋友，在她們認識了Fish之後，她告訴了她們關於'他'的過去。沒有一個人因此而不接受她，反而由於她的告白，她多了幾位知心的朋友。 在新的團體裡，她不再有恐懼，性別 的桎梏慢慢地解開，十字架慢慢地放下。

而在工作上，她也靠著實力得到上司和部屬的認可。 但是，在面對自己的家人時，那永遠是她最脆弱的一面。 她完全無能為力。每次在和家人聚會，由於大家都不習慣她的裝扮，他們避免和她聊天，害怕觸及彼此的痛。常常讓她有種被視為空氣的感覺。真的不知道為什麼，每次回台灣都要出席令彼此尷尬的餐會 ? 為的不就是不想要違逆父母親希望多和家人團聚的苦心嗎? 看到她以前的妹妹，知道她在感情和工作上的不順遂，她有一種無力感，她多麼希望能和她分享一下快樂和悲傷，但是那道凝聚在空氣中，無形而令她望之卻步的牆，一再地阻隔了讓彼此交心的機會。 唉！能夠相處 時日不多了，她想。也許就放棄吧，畢竟這不是件容易的事，如果她還沒準備好，何必給她壓力呢 ?

說了這麼多，還是無法表達我心中幾年來的話，但是，從妳的信中，我看到了值得努力的理由。
真的，很有希望下次回台灣，妳能有機會和Fish喝個下午茶，也許陪她逛逛街，就當作招待一個新認識的友人。 我有足夠的理由相信，妳不會後悔的認識她的 ！

妹妹的來信-

晚上收到台灣的妹妹寄來的E-Card, （Sigh !) 親情是一場打不嬴的戰爭。
FROM：SL
大哥:我還是比較喜歡原來的你現在的你我似乎覺得是另一個人了我好期盼能找回我的大哥哥
給他们一個圓滿的家，也好期盼三個孩子能有一個正常的成長環靜給他们一個圓滿的家 。

這是我的回信：

Dear Sara,
Thanks for the E-card ! Guess finally you are ready to discuss this.

It's has been more than 5 years since I transitioned to be Fish.

I can understand it must be hard for you guys to accept it. So far, NO, I never regret it !

Yes, in the deepest of my heart , I still feel somewhat guilty for W and kids. But, everybody has his/her own path, You probably won't understand the pain I experience before and I am not going back try to please everybody to tell them that I am back, I can become a 'NORMAL' man, then a year later, found out still don't like it and back to Jill again. Believe me, before this, I have been trying for more than 36 years to understand why I am not be a 'normal' guy, just like everybody else. I HATE the feeling that I want to be a woman. It has been bothered me and I never have courage to take any action. But now, living in another gender, I learned a lot, YES I DID ! Not only dress or make up, but most important : compassion, forgiveness, courage, and understanding for live and people.

For this new identify I have been fighting alone so hard and so long. Never got a understanding or support from family. Then why do I do that ? You might asked. Won't it be easier to go back to be a guy and make everybody happy ? Let me asked, Why should I ? It's my life and my destiny was meant to live the both genders. You probably won't understand my feelings, and I won't expect you to fully understand, but please at least respect my own life decision.

Yes, in the society, I might be considered as an insane, abnormal or unacceptable to most of people. But for people not know my past as a guy, I can feel I earned their respect from my personality, my capability. And this shows in my work and friends around me, even after I revealing my past to them.

If my visit in Taiwan causes everybody inconvenience, please bear with me, I will not stay at home next time. (Actually I told myelf several times) Really don't like to see you, mom and dad suffered to see a woman they used to know as a brother or son. In another sdie , I also don't want to any minutes in my life to PRETENT to be a 'normal' man , try to please the world. Am I selfish ? In some ways, it did look like that. Have I blamed myself for not be able being a 'normal' person ? You bet ! But, I have over that. Released myself from taking blame from the whole world, learn to forgive and love myself. Thanks to all the friends around me, after opening out of my crave, I met a lot of new friends, and yes, I feel so blessing and so thankful for this universal has many good wills.

Yes, you might look like to lost a big bother you used to know from youth. From memories, it seem he has everything you are looking for. Then just let the wonderful memory stop there. He was never gone. But just left the earth for a long long time. Maybe he will never back, but one thing you can sure is : even you saw him today, he will NEVER the same person you knew 5, 6 years ago. And knowing from my heart , if he is still alive, this person is not a person I like to be. He will have a of fear, afraid his darkness side be exposures, he will live in a life of conflict and unsecured. Maybe he will really become 'abnormal' after all. Maybe he will decide to fail everyone because he can not keep pretending be a normal person they want.

So do you want to a insane brother or a happy and loving woman who you never be able to call her sister ? To me, it doesn't matter that much, since decision has been made, but I will be very thankful if you decide to at least treat her as a friend. But if you can't I won't blame you, really, I can not please everybody and I don't intend to do that.

Thanks for sending me the e-card, I knew it won't be easy for you to read this, but do believe me. Understanding that Fish maybe not be so feminine in appearance, but she has a wonderful loving heart and she will always try to live a dignity and more meaningful life everyday.
Really wish I can share more feeling with you, but it's not easy, for you and for the people who used to knew me as a guy and decided to keep their door closed.

Sara, that's all I can say , if one day you decide to talk to me, you knew my email and phone number. I will keeping wait for that day's coming.

Sincerely,

Fish

歡迎來到黑暗世界

金庸小說裡吸引我的人物，常常不是那些名門正派的人物，而是那些亦正亦邪，卻不拘禮法的性情中人。你可以看見揮灑自如的人性，一下有 "橫眉冷對千夫指"的勇氣，一轉身又能 "俯首甘為孺子牛" 的柔順。

原來每個人都有一些不希望為他人所知的黑暗面，外人看得見的，叫做框框，而那個只有你自己知道，不願去面對的，甚至躲避，害怕去承認的，讓你感覺難堪，羞恥的，就是你的功課。
好了，那麼既然是這樣，當你鼓起勇氣，決心去面對時，請不要忘記帶著你的二位天使：慈悲和寬恕。哦 ！（嘻嘻，恍然大悟的樣子！）其實佛家的戒律，發露懺悔，就是成就你勇氣，無畏布施，不就是用無比的愛去敲開一個小洞，讓光透進去嗎 ? 二位天使的工作，就是負責環境衛生，讓它透透氣罷了。
當然啦，你也可以一輩子都不去開那扇門，衣櫥裡的怪獸，永遠會躲在你心裡面，不定時出來嚇嚇你。 如果你不介意，飼養一隻看不見的'寵物'，這也不失一個好方法。

我只是突然想到，到底誰要來幫我一起打開這扇門? （But, Do I ever asked ?)

Silly Fish ! 如果別人都看不見（that's why it called Dark side) 他們要怎麼幫你呢 ? 說了半天，你的修行那裡去了呢 ?

誠實的心

我很少誠實地，毫不掩飾地去對待自己的心。

很好笑，不是嗎? 是的，即令是在寫日記，記錄自己的發現，批判自己不是時，常常還是戴著道德的面具。禮俗法教，原來影響我這麼深。心情仍舊不是很好，即使今天在會議上面對總部的七八個經理解釋我的小組架構及分工，傾聽他們的抱怨，我仍然不會覺得有什麼心情的起伏。因為那些都只是表層的東西，有能幹的J去應付就足夠了。 剛剛回到飯店，才發現原來那個傷口還在，只是我試著騙自己不去注意罷了。起先還是試著用不同的冠冕堂皇的理由去合理化，然後試圖迴避它，壓抑它。只是，它總是又會偷偷地，在你不注意的時候，跑出來嚇你一下。告訴你，嘿 ！你的悲傷在哪裡 ? 你怎麼不來看我 ? 不要再當駝鳥了，我是真的 ！

好了，今晚我決定好好地照顧一下它，不管是用力地哭，或是咬牙切齒，大聲咒罵禮教，總之，要再和那個柔軟的心，有一個約會 ！

Dear J,

I really love you a lot !

Your true heat !

粉紅色的日記

Will go Mexico cruise tomorrow. Still hard to believe this is happening. Just change a large luggage and throw some more stuffs into it. Guess if I use a smaller luggage then I won't bring these extra stuffs.

Still decided to bring a new diary book with me. Maybe there are something I can write during the trip. Accidental found an old pink diary, which I stop using since Sep, last year. Found a small note on the last page I left to be answered , it said:

I don't know when you write diary on this page .
Will Fish still like her new identity ?
How old is she ?
Still a workhalic ?
Does she meet someone she love ?

Actually I am pretty surprise to see these notes. I left maybe 4, 5 years ago. But again, it's a good time to review my life.

Yes, Fish still pretty comfortable and love her new identity.
She is now 41 years old, and still spent a lot of time at work.
As for lover... :-) I can only say ........... (filtered out in this blog) , but .... I don't think she will take any serious action. If she can not bring happiness to someone she love. Then why bother ? !

找尋精采的靈魂

Finally I understand what the soul mate means !

Was driving down the road for lunch with SY couple in Sweet Tomato. One strange thinking pop up in my head and I now can answer the blog question I asked last month.

It really doesn't matter is he or she, people at my age are actually looking for soul mate. He/She doesn't necessary have intimate relationship with you. I am way beyond that. It's the freedom and appreciation in your heart. Even you might not be aware of it. With your soul mate, you can just BE YOURSELF ! No to worry about the thing you did will disappointment him/her.

Have a DIY hair dye today, GL went to Target with me and choose the color then came to help. I am really worry about screw it up. But with her help I feel more comfortable. The result ..... Well as she said, with dark hair like us , we won't screw up too much. Maybe the color (chestnut) I choose is too close to dark brown, so far I didn't see any result. Maybe after a few washes the color will show up.

Still have a few hours today, going to start enter my old diary.