妹妹的來信-

晚上收到台灣的妹妹寄來的E-Card, （Sigh !) 親情是一場打不嬴的戰爭。
FROM：SL
大哥:我還是比較喜歡原來的你現在的你我似乎覺得是另一個人了我好期盼能找回我的大哥哥
給他们一個圓滿的家，也好期盼三個孩子能有一個正常的成長環靜給他们一個圓滿的家 。

這是我的回信：

Dear Sara,
Thanks for the E-card ! Guess finally you are ready to discuss this.

It's has been more than 5 years since I transitioned to be Fish.

I can understand it must be hard for you guys to accept it. So far, NO, I never regret it !

Yes, in the deepest of my heart , I still feel somewhat guilty for W and kids. But, everybody has his/her own path, You probably won't understand the pain I experience before and I am not going back try to please everybody to tell them that I am back, I can become a 'NORMAL' man, then a year later, found out still don't like it and back to Jill again. Believe me, before this, I have been trying for more than 36 years to understand why I am not be a 'normal' guy, just like everybody else. I HATE the feeling that I want to be a woman. It has been bothered me and I never have courage to take any action. But now, living in another gender, I learned a lot, YES I DID ! Not only dress or make up, but most important : compassion, forgiveness, courage, and understanding for live and people.

For this new identify I have been fighting alone so hard and so long. Never got a understanding or support from family. Then why do I do that ? You might asked. Won't it be easier to go back to be a guy and make everybody happy ? Let me asked, Why should I ? It's my life and my destiny was meant to live the both genders. You probably won't understand my feelings, and I won't expect you to fully understand, but please at least respect my own life decision.

Yes, in the society, I might be considered as an insane, abnormal or unacceptable to most of people. But for people not know my past as a guy, I can feel I earned their respect from my personality, my capability. And this shows in my work and friends around me, even after I revealing my past to them.

If my visit in Taiwan causes everybody inconvenience, please bear with me, I will not stay at home next time. (Actually I told myelf several times) Really don't like to see you, mom and dad suffered to see a woman they used to know as a brother or son. In another sdie , I also don't want to any minutes in my life to PRETENT to be a 'normal' man , try to please the world. Am I selfish ? In some ways, it did look like that. Have I blamed myself for not be able being a 'normal' person ? You bet ! But, I have over that. Released myself from taking blame from the whole world, learn to forgive and love myself. Thanks to all the friends around me, after opening out of my crave, I met a lot of new friends, and yes, I feel so blessing and so thankful for this universal has many good wills.

Yes, you might look like to lost a big bother you used to know from youth. From memories, it seem he has everything you are looking for. Then just let the wonderful memory stop there. He was never gone. But just left the earth for a long long time. Maybe he will never back, but one thing you can sure is : even you saw him today, he will NEVER the same person you knew 5, 6 years ago. And knowing from my heart , if he is still alive, this person is not a person I like to be. He will have a of fear, afraid his darkness side be exposures, he will live in a life of conflict and unsecured. Maybe he will really become 'abnormal' after all. Maybe he will decide to fail everyone because he can not keep pretending be a normal person they want.

So do you want to a insane brother or a happy and loving woman who you never be able to call her sister ? To me, it doesn't matter that much, since decision has been made, but I will be very thankful if you decide to at least treat her as a friend. But if you can't I won't blame you, really, I can not please everybody and I don't intend to do that.

Thanks for sending me the e-card, I knew it won't be easy for you to read this, but do believe me. Understanding that Fish maybe not be so feminine in appearance, but she has a wonderful loving heart and she will always try to live a dignity and more meaningful life everyday.
Really wish I can share more feeling with you, but it's not easy, for you and for the people who used to knew me as a guy and decided to keep their door closed.

Sara, that's all I can say , if one day you decide to talk to me, you knew my email and phone number. I will keeping wait for that day's coming.

Sincerely,

Fish