到 了四十仍一事無成，每天操心的是客戶的projects. 那麼三五年後，我是不是還是一樣的生活方式? 人生的目的究竟是什麼? 我一直在重覆前人老大徒傷悲的覆轍。 難道那一切我們所知道的道理，就沒有一樣可以令我幡然大悟的嗎? 我一再驗証前人的警語，真的害怕距離自我越來越遠了。
這一次南亞的海嘯，我又再痛恨自己的冷漠！ 的確是令人震驚的慘劇，但是在震驚之後呢 ? 我的行動在那裡?為什麼那些捐款要在三天之後才捐出? 這三天來，我的良知，以及對人類的愛在那裡 ?我真的很害怕，害怕自己失去了PASSION。害怕自己失去了愛人的能力，真的好討厭如此的我。
這是我寄給 CN and GL 的 email :
It's new year eve - again :-(Just renewed my driver license two days ago. it's hard to believe 4 years has passed since I first got a new license with new gender on it.
Not sure why I feel so sad, or maybe I knew but just don't have courage to admit. Maybe a simple question will help to remove my mask. No, it's not the gender mask I wear for such a long time, but a human mask I am referring to.
It's the Tsunami which happened 4 days ago unmask me.. Really hate myself when I start understanding I took NO action on it.
Or maybe I did, but donation came after three days of disaster, after reading a friend's email who donated some of her money planned for a SRS surgery. Suddenly, I felt so bad, so lost.
Do I lost the compassion ? Where is my ability to love , to share the grief of losing their beloved ? why am I become so cold and emotionless.
I don't even dare to face it.
A reply from CN :
Dear fish,
you definitely are not the person who only cares about herself. i don't say this to please you, it's the truth. i did not donate my money to this disaster, and i don't think i lost my compassion to people. donating money to a disaster is just one way to show humanity. but it takes a lot more Tobe passionate persistently.
we just can't do everything and be everyone, right?
you have been through a life change yourself in the past 4 years. i see aper son who is trying so hard to do right things and to be nice, and hope that can ease some of her own guilt to be herself. the society also owe you something. you just accept it and be kind to people. that's your compassionate heart. and you are a caring human being.
I spent a lot of my time to talk to my new young client in this past few days. hopefully that with my help, she can change her struggling life before it's too late. this is my compassion to people, which is the same as donating money to a disaster. for me, disaster is catching so many eyes and get help from everywhere. but some people live in the hell without knowing,and they also need a lot help.
Fish, don't bit up yourself, that's not fare. i would rather see you pick up the energy and help me to expanding Foundation, which can help more people who don't know how to get the help. i can say this, because i know clearly, I don't ask favors for myself. once I promised a lady called from Dallas: we will go there and have work shop. it's been years, and the words do not come true yet. when I looked at my 24 year-old client, who is so suffered from all cultural burden, I just hope that I can have all the money and power and fame to educate people how to change their lives.
It is new year's day morning now. I hope that this note can cheer you up. we all good human beings, and we do our dues in different ways. if you don't think about yourself first, how can you help others? Hay, get up happily, and think some ideas how to make Alearning expanding. :)
Love,
C
Another reply from G :
Yes,another year!
Well, my parents and sister are busy for this disaster many days. Mom did ask me to join her to do street found raising. I didn't go. I just don't feel comfortable to do that. A bit guilty, but I didn't go. I am willing to help something else, something I may handle better, but not go out there to collect donation. There are so many things that we can do, only if we feel comfortable to do it.
You felt bad only because you feel other people can do more than you? You didn't unmake yourself but put on other mask on yourself. None of us can do enough to help those victims. You didn't donate your surgery money won't hurt who you really are. The kindness in your heart won't be less because you didn't go to the area to help victims. There is a very long way to go for all victims. Be yourself, be happy what you have, there are a lot we may do from now to then.
Happy New Year!
Love,
G
